Posting this here because I don't have money for a real therapist to talk to about this, so you shmucks will just have to do for now.

As you can tell I haven't been super active in a while except for that small movie I posted almost 2 weeks ago now. It's because recently I feel like I've been having issues actually doing the stuff I want to do and get done. The only stuff I've been doing recently are the bare minimum stuff I need to do in real life, and the only thing in real life I need to do that I haven't half-assed in some sort of way is my Door-Dashing career (although when I realized I left my phone in my car uncharged today it prompted me to make the executive decision to just take Sundays off even though I originally intended to make the runs all 7 days a week).

I'm not sure if it's really as simple as motivation issues, maybe it is I dunno, but for some reason every time I'm actually doing something, I have the urge to just do the exact opposite of what I'm doing. Every time I'm at my computer I look to my bed and suddenly I just want to take a nap, and every time I'm in bed I'm restless because I want to use my computer to work on my art and college stuff. Whenever I'm enjoying my leisure time at home I get stressed out because I'm not out Door-Dashing and making money which my family and I kind of need right now, but of course when I'm actually out Door-Dashing I get stressed out dealing with traffic and it makes me want to come home sooner than I should, even though the whole point of me wanting to Door-Dash was to earn money by doing what I like to do, which is driving.

I can't focus on making art because I keep doubting myself on whether I should change my style or keep doing what I'm known for doing, and god forbid that I actually put effort into my college assignments. I want to be normal but I also want to stand out. I want to involve myself with real life events, socialize, and put effort into my business life like a good 'ole modernist man, but I also want to sit behind in the shadows Raoul Duke style, shooting my smack as I watch the animals bleet and babble with wary eyes. I have zero idea why this is happening to me, and it's getting to the point where I just feel comfortable doing literally nothing, watching the world go by through my window as my computer drains power and pours into our electricity bill.

It could be because I have undiagnosed OCD's. Is this what it's like to have OCD's? Is this what it's like to be obsessive and compulsive as I, unprompted, walk into the kitchen to pour yet another glass of Arizona? To have intrusive thoughts which halt me from doing what I want to do?

This is impossible! How do people live like this???